Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice

The Film Itself

I thank God every day for Hans Zimmer. And now I might have to add Jesse Eisenberg to that list. He was a shining beacon in a very muddy movie.

As I write this post, I am watching The Grand Budapest Hotel for what I would estimate to be the seventh time. It feels so cleansing and wonderful to watch a movie with such beautifully- and smartly-crafted dialogue after watching a movie with SUCH terrible writing and storytelling. It has been said that you can make a crappy movie from a good script, but that you can’t make a good movie from a crappy script. I feel the truth of that statement in my bones after watching Batman V Superman. There were so many good things about this movie. The cinematography was AMAZING. Jesse Eisenberg was AMAZING. Henry Cavill was pretty good and so was Gal Gadot. I loved Laurence Fishburne. The score was great. I guess the fight scenes were pretty good. But none of this could begin to  make up for the horrendous script, which, by the way, I am so very confused about. Pretty much the only other movie this writer has written was Argo which won best screenplay? How do you go from winning an Oscar to writing lines like, “There was a time above… A time before… There were perfect things… diamond absolutes. But things fall… things on Earth. And what falls… is fallen.”? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?? There were so many lines like this that I just could not decode. Also, I feel like you know the movie is bad anytime it contains the line, “May God have mercy on us all.” Not to mention the movie left me with a lot of unanswered questions. How does Superman always, ALWAYS know where Lois Lane is? Does he have a tracker on her? Does Superman have any respect for other people’s property? Why were there so many dream sequences? Why did Batman use so many guns? Why did this movie need to be two and a half hours long?

Look. I had high hopes for this movie. I like superhero movies, I like Ben Affleck. I really tried to like it. There was the scene where Bruce Wayne’s parents die and the cinematography was UNREAL and I was so ready. But then baby Bruce Wayne fell into the Batcave and started levitating via bat tornado?! Thank God this was just a dream sequence, of which there were about three, all of which I hated relatively equally. They pretty much all contained unnecessary jump scares that just annoyed me. After that, the movie started going downhill, VERY quickly. By about 30 minutes in, I was just done.

Other thoughts:

Why is Superman’s outfit made of sequins? I like it.

I watch Halt and Catch Fire so I’m a big fan of Scoot McNairy and he’s in almost nothing so I was super excited when I recognized him in this but he was barely in it!

Jesse Eisenberg is an absolute ray of sunshine. When he came on screen, my boyfriend chuckled, shook his head, and said, “F*cking Jesse Eisenberg”, which is pretty much the best description of Jesse Eisenberg I’ve heard. He was the perfect level of unstable, ridiculous, buttwipe-y teenager. I found myself frequently gaping at the screen in awe when he appeared. It honestly seemed like the writer saved all his best stuff for Lex Luthor because he actually had a few good lines. Which leads me to my conspiracy theory: Somebody out there is trying to sabotage Ben Affleck’s career just the way Lex Luthor did Superman’s. That’s what you get for sleeping with the nanny.

Why is Alfred the same age as Bruce Wayne? Is this one of those situations that they talked about in The Help where you become a servant at the age of 12 and have to raise a child who is 10 years younger than you?

If you had told me this movie was directed by Michael Bay, I would have believed you in a heartbeat.

I was upset that there was no batsuit reveal shot. The style of the batsuit has been very important to the film anthology over the years. The batsuit is to Batman as the Bond girl is to James Bond. We never got a real clear shot of what they went with for this movie.

Bruce Wayne and Alfred are both such jerks in this movie. It was explained to me that this is accurate to the comic that this movie was based on. I guess I respect that they didn’t dumb down the lore just to make it accessible to a larger audience though.

I really hate that a major plot point was that both Batman’s and Superman’s moms were named Martha. “What’s that? Oh you have a mom too? We can totally be friends now. Maybe we can share yours since mine is dead.” I mean I guess this moment was probably supposed to be like Batman sees Superman as being more human because he has a mom but it did not come across that way. It just seemed super corny and stupid.

The Bechdel Test

This movie definitely does not pass. I mean there are plenty of strong female characters, which I really respect, but the only ones that talk to each other are Lois Lane and Martha Kent and all they talk about is Superman so…

Fun Fact

So apparently the executives at Warner Bros. liked the rough cut of the movie they saw so much that they gave it a standing ovation and immediately tried to negotiate two more solo batman movies with Affleck, in addition to the one that’s already in the works. I’d like to see what they saw.

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